I keep thinking about this. I want to do something and I always want to do it right. I want it to be the best. I want my assignment to be perfect when I hand it up to my teacher. I want my projects to be spotless, flawless. If it’s not, I don’t want my name on it. I’d rather not have anything to do with it. I want it to be right. I want it to be perfect. If not, I’m done. I’m out of here (cue dramatic spinning, hair flippin’ and walking towards the door). I don’t wanna do it anymore (cue melodramatic sound effect) .
You know, I’m one of those.
God is the God who uses our imperfections. He is the God who sits with the tax collectors and who associates with the prostitutes and sinners. He didn’t come down for the perfect. He came down for the imperfect. It wrecks my definitions. An idea so life-giving, yet I entrap myself so often with this.
I think, has God been trying to use my imperfections. Has He been waiting all along to use me but I’ve just been holding on so tightly to these things and trying to ‘perfect’ things that can never be, that I end up missing up on letting His glory be shown in my weaknesses? Have I nullified the work He would have done just because I refuse to hand up ‘imperfection’, just because I don’t wanna be associated with anything that would maim my name? Because it’s my name that’s on the line. Because it’s my capacity. Because it’s my work. It’s what’s mine’s that’s on the plate. Is that what? It’s that why we walk away when we think we can’t do it. It’s that why we hold back? It’s that why it takes a lifetime of mulling and rumination before … ….
I had such a great time during presbytery last saturday. It was so wonderful to hear words of encouragement spoken over so many people I love and have prayed so hard for. And in the midst of it, I feel extremely humbled. KNowing that God has revealed the heart of some of these young men and women in my family who are just so… good, and who just have so much in store, and who just have so much to give.
I had to admit at the back of my head, I wondered if I’m any less because I didn’t get any. I know it’s not. But I do wonder if I’m any less important, or any less good. Or maybe because I don’t have that much in store, or that much to give..
I think there’s something bigger and more important to learn from this, for me at least. I think things might seem all murky and undefined for me. My future might not seem so bright, nor my path any much more defined. My achievements may not be grand, nor may my heart be made of gold like those I know, but if this, by being small, or by converging into the fundamentals of a silent simplicity, if I had to renounce my definitions of greatness, of good, and renounce my dreams and plans, my visualisations and imagination of that life I’d have, even if it’s a life I”d have with you, if I’d have to renounce my definitions and take on a new one, a not so big one, a small one, but a definition that’s yours, that’s yours for me, and if that’s what’d make me your kind of girl, then ok, I will be still and quiet, I will give this life to You. I don’t have to win. I don’t have to be big. But I will surrender. I’ll let You redefine me. I’ll let you define me, if that’s what makes me your type of girl. I will. I will give me to You.
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